Andy Morgan’s Screening Room

I was supposed to see a screening of “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” for this week’s column, but I got tagged with the flu and instead spent the day and evening in a Nyquil-induced haze reading Gillian Flynn’s “Sharp Objects.” I also caught part of “Beastmaster” on the Sci-Fi channel and told my imaginary Nyquil-born friend the 80s sword-swinging flick was in need of a re-do. That got me thinking: What other movies would I like to see remade?

Tron

Most teens and young adults probably haven’t heard of this 1982 sci-fi movie starring Jeff Bridges (“Stick It”) and Bruce Boxleitner (“Babylon 5”), but chances are they’ve seen the Jay Maynard, aka “The Tron Guy,” on the web and been repulsed by his squirm-inducing camel toe. Either way, this film was cool looking in 1982 and would be even better with today’s CGI. And the story wouldn’t even need to change that much, since it was about computer hackers and programmers in 1982.

12 Angry Men

I realize this was remade for Showtime in 1997 by William Friedkin (“The Exorcist”), but give me a break - it also had Tony Danza in the cast. The original is great and Henry Fonda is a rock as Juror #8, but I say do this as an independent movie and get 12 of the best actors in Hollywood to assemble and update the script to make it more relevant today. Maybe given our country’s fear of terrorism, this could be a Muslim man wrongly implicated because of his religion and skin color. I’d start with Tom Hanks, Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, Adrian Brody, Jack Nicholson, and William H. Macy and then fill the other six spots with veteran supporting actors like William Hurt, Paul Giamatti, Alec Baldwin, Ed Harris, Christopher Walken and Benicio del Toro. Now that would be the lineup.

Clash of the Titans

I downloaded this movie from XBOX Live in high definition and while it looked marvelous, I’d drifted off after Perseus (Harry Hamlin) had his stop-motion-animation action scene with a very clay-looking Medusa. I remember thinking this movie was scary as a kid and while this is a campy classic, it’s been more than 25 years and time for an update, complete with new CGI and a Hans Zimmer soundtrack.

The Star Wars Prequels

It’s been two years since Uncle George dropped “Revenge of the Sith” on moviegoers and then swore off making any more “Star Wars” movies (that is until his bank account runs dry), and in that time I’ve grown angry at Mr. Lucas. I loved Star Wars as a kid. “The Empire Strikes Back” is one of the best movies made in the history of making movies. With a chance to reignite the franchise and blanket a new generation with the awe and wonder of “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away,” George dropped the ball and instead gave us Jar Jar Binks, midi-clorians and enough crappy dialogue and pointless storylines to permanently scar the Star Wars saga. All the surprise is gone from Star Wars and I can’t even get through Episode II “Attack of the Clones” without throwing things at my TV. I vote we try this again and hand over the script and directing tasks to someone with a sliver of creativity.

The Ten Commandments

Perhaps there is some unwritten rule in Hollywood that says you can’t remake anything by Cecil B. DeMille, because despite the epic quality of “The Ten Commandments,” Hollywood hasn’t touched this in a live-action film since Charlton Heston brought Moses into theaters in 1956. A quick search on IMDB.com shows an animated version “coming to theaters in 2007”, but a quick look at the cast has Elliot Gould doing the voice of God. Let me repeat that: Elliot Gould. How about we hand this over to Michael Bay (“Transformers”) and let him work his magic, or maybe Mel Gibson since he’s mastered the period (“Apocalypto”), religious (“The Passion”) and the epic (“Braveheart”) forms of filmmaking.

30 years ago this month, on May 25th to be precise, George Lucas, sporting the trademark pompadour hairstyle and the lumberjack flannel look, introduced the world to “Star Wars.” Flash forward 30 years to 2007 and after boatloads of cash, more flannel and some crappy “Star Wars” prequels, Uncle George is still making the cash cow go “moo,” this time for the 30th anniversary “celebration.”

In a few weeks, plan on seeing many a news clip about nerds dressed up as Jedi, Stormtroopers and Wookies. Since I’m a “Star Wars” fan (read: not nerd), I penned what the movies have taught me throughout the majority of my 32 years.

Chicks Dig Scoundrels

If only I knew in high school what I now know at age 32. I would have had more dates and smooches than Casanova. The key, my male compatriots, is being the “bad boy.” Nice guys do finish last because girls love jerks. Just ask my wife.

The Prettiest Girls are Always Nutjobs

Argue all you want, but Princess Leia was not dealing with a full deck. I mean, first off, styling your hair so it appears you have cinnamon rolls strapped to the side of your head? If that doesn’t warrant psychoanalysis, I don’t know what does.

Never Kiss your Sister

This one is self-explanatory. Somewhere there is a deleted scene where Yoda tells Luke that Leia is his sister and Luke instantly runs off to take a shower and gargle a gallon of Listerine.

Size Matters Not

Size matters not? What was Yoda smoking? From big biceps, to big trucks to big entertainment systems, every guy knows size does matter. It’s easy to see Yoda had a complex because his lightsaber was too small.

Fat People are Not Always Jolly

Santa Claus is definitely the exception to this rule. And maybe Dom DeLuise. But Jabba the Hutt in “Return of the Jedi” taught me that being overweight can make you moody and unhappy. Thanks to the South Beach Diet and hundreds of miles on the treadmill, that’s changed.

Whining Only Gets You Legless and Charred to a Crisp

Nobody likes a whiner or a Debbie Downer. Anakin was both and he lost his arms, legs and was barbecued on the banks of a lava river at the end of “Revenge of the Sith.” Anytime my kids nag, I show them this clip and then say, “That could be you. Now shut up.”

Beards are Cool

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, that coneheaded Jedi in the prequels, the list of cool bearded guys in the “Star Wars” universe is endless. In fact, not only are beards cool, but so are moustaches. Just look at Lando Calrissian. The magic on his upper lip is a beacon of masculinity and suaveness all men should look to obtain. Hands down, facial hair is awesome. But not on women.

Never Tell a Woman She’s Softer than Sand

Just ask Anakin Skywalker in “Attack of the Clones,” nothing kills a romantic moment more than uttering some cheesy “I want some action” pick up line like, “Your skin is softer than sand, m’lady.” Oh barf.

Blood is Thicker than Midiclorians

Sure, Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand and had his daughter’s planet blown to smithereens and her boyfriend frozen in carbonite, but in the end, parents, and family in general, always step to the plate for the ones they love. Darth Vader took one for team Skywalker and his kids when he drop kicked the senile Emperor Palpatine down the bowels of the Death Star.

Always Bet on Black

Oh, whoops, that’s “Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Passenger 57.”

Spider-Man 3 (May 4)

Early reviews are mixed for the webslinger’s third go-round and people are wondering how in the name of J. Jonah Jameson director Sam Rami is stuffing three unique villains into one movie. That’s right, “Spider-Man 3” sports evildoing from Venom (Topher Grace), Sandman (Thomas Haden Church) and a snowboarding Harry Osborne (James Franco) doing his best to imitate his father’s evil twin, the Green Goblin (officially called the “New Goblin”).

Bottom Line: Too many villains? Who cares! Its summer movie season and this is what it’s all about. “Spider-Man 3” is definitely a full-price, run-right-out-and-see-it kind of flick. Just be careful about taking the kiddies too soon. It’s PG-13 because Venom will make them sleep in your bedroom until they turn 18.

28 Weeks Later (May 11)

Make no mistake, Hollywood knows how to milk a good thing and this is exactly what “28 Weeks Later” is going to be – an attempt to squeeze more cash from “28 Days Later,” the creepy, surprise hit from 2002. The first movie introduced viewers to the “rage” virus and followed a band of survivors as they journey through a decimated London cityscape. The sequel picks up seven months after the last human infected with the virus dies of starvation. But come on, do I really need to explain what comes next? This is Hollywood and the inevitable is always bound to happen. But these days inevitable makes ching-ching sound of millions.

Bottom Line: Go see “Spider-Man 3” again and pass on this until the DVD hits the Redbox.

Georgia Rule (May 11)

Jane Fonda (“Monster in Law”) stars alongside Felicity Huffman (“Transamerica”) and Lindsay Lohan (“Just my Luck”) in a tale about a rebellious teenager sent to live with her strict, no-nonsense grandmother. Perhaps this is art imitating life, but the out-of-control party girl Lohan probably felt right at home in her role as the wicked teen. According to the film’s synopsis, director Garry Marshall (“Pretty Woman”) set the grandmother’s home in Idaho in a “quiet Mormon community.” That ought to get LDS folks good and riled up, as they’ll probably be portrayed as overzealous nutjobs.

Bottom Line: The trailer looks funny, but rated R “heartfelt” comedies don’t do well. Don’t be surprised if Larry the Cable Guy’s “Delta Farce” boots this film to the curb.

Shrek the Third (May 18)

Despite pulling down boatloads of cash in 2004, folks generally panned “Shrek 2” and I’m hearing groans from the sidelines about “Shrek 3” as well. Maybe this reveals too much about how I enjoy jokes about bodily functions and the adult humor laced and imbedded in the first two films, but I’m genuinely excited to see this movie. I think Puss in Boots (“Antonio Banderas) was a great addition to the Eddie Murphy (Donkey), Mike Myers (Shrek) and Cameron Diaz (Princess Fiona) trifecta. This time around we add Justin Timberlake (“Alpha Dog”), Cheri Oteri (“Saturday Night Live”), Regis Philbin (“The Regis & Kelly Show”), Amy Poehler (“Saturday Night Live”), Amy Sedaris (“Strangers with Candy”) and Seth Rogan (“The 40 Year Old Virgin”).

Bottom Line: This is a full priced ticket, but again, just because the movie is PG doesn’t mean three year old kids should be partaking. Dreamworks must feel it has another ace in the hole with “Shrek the Third,” because “Shrek 4” has already been greenlit.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (May 25)

Captain Jack returns from the World’s End to assist Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth Swan (Keira Knightly), and Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) in ending the devious and ruthless designs of Lord Cutler Beckett’s (Tom Hollander) East India Trading Company. This means plenty of screentime for Old Tentacle Face, Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) and a final sea battle that will give this movie the box office crown this summer.

Bottom Line: Buy your tickets early, as “Pirates” will be sold out for a long, long time. Oh, and pitch a tent at the Westates, because we all know how crowd control and lines work at that joint.

Knocked Up (June 1)

“Grey’s Anatomy” hottie, Katherine Heigl and “The 40 Year Old Virgin” alumnus, Seth Rogan, hook up (literally) in this – judging by the trailer – hilarious movie about life after impregnating a one-night stand. Written and directed by Judd Apatow (“The 40 Year Old Virgin”), this movie will be buoyed by the deadpan humor of Rogan, the fresh writing of Apatow and the new comedic faces he seems to plug into his films.

Bottom Line: Considering this film includes Paul Rudd (“Anchorman” and “The 40 Year Old Virgin”), who, I might add is a comedic genius, I’d put this as a must-see movie.

Hostel: Part II (June 8th)

If gross-out, flatulence and sex-filled comedies were all the rage in the late 90s and early 2000s, then bloody, torture-stuffed “horror” movies are the big deal right now. This second installment of the “Hostel” franchise will assuredly be bloodier and more repugnant than its predecessor. It leaves the mind to question how that’s possible, since I’m pretty sure mutilating a live human being while they are gagging on their own vomit is the ceiling for repugnancy.

Bottom Line: This isn’t filmmaking. Its sadomasochistic voyeurism disguised as entertainment. Check yourself into Bear River Mental Health if you have plans on watching this.

Ocean’s 13 (June 8th)

“Ocean’s 11” was a decent movie and “Ocean’s 12” patted itself on the back too much with it’s inside jokes, so it pooped out royally as sequels go. That’s probably why we’re seeing Al Pacino join the eclectic cast (George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Bernie Mac, Don Cheadle, Casey Affleck, etc) of “Ocean’s 13”, because if this is going to be the last movie, it better be good. This time the crew teams up to get revenge on a cutthroat casino owner (Pacino).

Bottom Line: Let’s cross our fingers “Ocean’s 13” beats “Hostel: Part II’ at the box office, but I doubt it. Nutjob, serial killer cinema will win out on the weekend of June 8th.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (June 15)

How could a movie with such a cool looking trailer have the lamest title in the history of movies? Okay, that might be overstating it a bit, but come on, “Rise of the Silver Surfer.” I don’t even know what a Silver Surfer is and if I have to immerse myself in comic book land to find out, well, I just don’t have the time or energy. From what I can tell, Stretchy Man (Ioan Gruffudd) and Invisible Hotness (Jessica Alba) team with their pals Fire Boy (Chris Evans) and Rock Man (Michael Chiklis) team to fight the T-1000 from “Terminator 2” and the enemy from the first lame movie, Victor Von Whatshisname – the guy wearing the Quiet Riot hockey mask.

Bottom Line: Maybe this is the weekend you go camping instead of spending an afternoon or evening in an air-conditioned theater.

Evan Almighty (June 22)

Remember the character Evan Baxter from the 2003 comedy “Bruce Almighty?” Probably not, since that movie was lathered in Jim Carrey’s flamboyant “look-at-me” brand of humor. But “Bruce Almighty” was one of America’s first glimpses into the comedic genius of Steve Carell (TV’s “The Office,” “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” “Little Miss Sunshine”). In this “sequel,” Carell returns as Evan Baxter and teams with God (Morgan Freeman) to build an ark and warn the world of the soon-to-be flood.

Bottom Line: We’ve been saturated with Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell and Jack Black lately, to the point their humor is waning. Is the same about to happen with Steve Carell?

Live Free or Die Hard (June 27)

Rocky Balboa came back to theaters last year and John Rambo will be returning soon, so why not invite our old pal John McClane (Bruce Willis) back to the table? Len Wiseman (“Underworld” and “Underworld: Evolution”) directs the fourth installment of the “Die Hard” series and, in my opinion is one lucky fella. Not only will he certainly exceed expectations (because “Die Hard: With a Vengeance” was total crap), but he’s married to Kate Beckinsale (“Click”), who might be one of the hottest females alive.

Bottom Line: Explosions, minimal CGI and Willis saying “Yippikiyay Mother Flecther” is definitely worth the full price ticket.

Ratatouille (June 29)

Has Pixar ever made a bad movie? From “Toy Story” to “The Incredibles” to “Cars,” everything they touch turns into sweaty piles of cash for Disney. I’d expect the same from this story, about two wannabe chefs – one a human, the other a rat – that team together to take Paris by storm. Plus, director Brad Bird has two amazing features in “The Iron Giant” and “The Incredibles” under his belt, so I’d be hard pressed to see this movie nose-diving.

Bottom Line: No big-name voice talent could spell trouble, but, then again, it’s not like Craig T. Nelson and Holly Hunter sent people into frenzy with “The Incredibles.”

Transformers (July 4)

Say what you want about director Michael Bay’s stories, but the guy knows how to create big, bombastic, action-filled movies that look absolutely gorgeous. From “Bad Boys” to “The Rock” to “Pearl Harbor” and even the maligned “The Island,” Bay’s movies are slick and fun and adding Optimus Prime and Megatron into the line-up makes me giddy with joy. Honestly, I am geeking out over this movie. This movie stars Shia LaBeouf (“Disturbia”) and Josh Duhamel (TV’s “Las Vegas”).

Bottom Line: I want to believe the Transformers will beat out Pirates for the summer’s best film, but I just don’t know if the robots in disguise have enough staying power. Still, this is definitely a must-see movie.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (July 13)

Well, the Hogwart’s gang is back again for the fifth film, this time to further discover why Lord Voldermort has no nose and no hair. Based on the trailer, Hogwart’s has turned into a juvenile detention center, Harry’s getting some make-out action and Lord No-Nose is assembling an army of baddies to reap havoc on the world. Or maybe just London. Who knows, but fans of the books will go gaga over this film, while the rest of us will ponder the next best time for another screening of “Transformers.”

Bottom Line: If you already purchased your copy of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” then this is your big ticket movie of the summer. If not, take your time, chances are it will be at the discount theater sooner than you can say Gryffindor. Oh, snap!

Hairspray (July 20)

“Hairspray’s” got a fan following to the point where it became a well-reviewed, cult hit movie, spawned a successful Broadway musical, which is now being made into a feature film based on the feature film of 20 years earlier. What’s funny about all that is most folks don’t realize it was written and directed by the arch-nemesis of taste and decency - John Waters.

If you didn’t follow that, don’t worry - what matters is the fact you’ll get to see John Travolta dolled up in drag and a fat suit as chubby Nikki Blonsky shows 1962 Baltimore that fat is phat when she wins a spot on a TV dance show. “Hairspray” is chock full of stars, including the return of Missing-in-Action Michelle Pfeiffer, the ever kooky Christopher Walken, teen queen Amanda Bynes and Queen Latifa.

Bottom Line: This is the weekend to see “Harry Potter” or a third viewing of “Transformers.” This movie will be the summer stinker, trust me.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (July 20)

Adam Sandler (“Click”) and Kevin James (“Hitch”) star as two straight firefighters who pretend to be a happily married gay couple so they can collect their pension. Personally, I’m fatigued of Sandler’s shtick, but his teaming with James peaks my interest. Add in the lovely Jessica Biel (“The Illusionist”) and this is certain to be one of the top movies of the summer.

Bottom Line: Have you seen the trailer for this movie? Including Jessica Biel in her underpants probably earned this film millions more for opening weekend. I know it earned my computer new desktop wallpaper.

The Simpsons Movie (July 27)

If you don’t get enough Simpson with a steady diet of weekly shenanigans and ever-present syndicated reruns, hopefully you can fill up on a big beefy Simpson Movie Sandwich, which has been just 2 years shy of 20 years in the making. “The Simpsons Movie” continues the evolution from the Bart Show to the Homer showcase, as the Simpson patriarch is forced to save the world from a disaster he unwittingly created. Plot details have been kept tight, but there’s no doubt you’ll get burping, donut scarfing and plenty of sociological humor. The lovers will love and the rest will hate.

Bottom Line: Is the TV show really that popular to bring huge success to the film version, or is this a niche movie waiting to return niche dollars?

The Bourne Ultimatum (August 3)

Agent Bourne is back and he’s angry. After the demise of his lady-friend in “The Bourne Supremacy” and being tracked across the globe by the ultra secret government agency that created him, Jason Bourne is bringing the fight back to Joan Allen, with a little one on one with Julia Stiles thrown in to boot.

The first two films were fantastic (forgive the hand-held camera and watch “The Bourne Supremacy” again on the small screen) and, thanks to the return of “United 93” and “Bourne Supremacy” director Paul Greengrass, it’s looking like more of the same. The trailer is chock-full of tantalizing action spots and dramatic beats and if you’ve seen Bourne slap people around using his obscure form of martial arts, I don’t even need to hint at encouraging anyone to see the third outing.

Bottom Line: Probably the last big name movie of the summer and probably will be one of many whimpers coming out of a weak August movie month.

I am your Father

I’ve probably seen “The Empire Strikes Back” hundreds of times, but this line from Darth Vader still hits home with each viewing. It’s not just the revelation he shares with Luke Skywalker, but the entire lightsaber battle that makes this film’s finale a white knuckle affair. I remember leaving the theater in 1980 on a Saturday afternoon wondering what would become of the handless, lightsaber-less Luke and the frozen-in-carbonite Han Solo. Absolutely the best of all six “Star Wars” movies.

You’ve got me!? Who’s got you?!

Kudos to Bryan Singer for trying to revitalize Hollywood’s “Superman” franchise, but nothing comes close to the 1978 Richard Donner directed Superman movie. In fact, I still get goosebumps when John Williams’ triumphant march begins and Superman shoots up into the sky to catch Lois Lane, exclaiming to her, “Easy, Miss. I’ve got you.” It makes me want to safety pin a red towel around my neck and run around the neighborhood in tights and red underpants. Did I say that out loud?

Welcome to Jurassic Park

I read Michael Crichton’s novel of the same name in 1992 and thought, “This would be a great movie if Steven Spielberg directed it.” Lo and behold, by some ethereal telekinesis, Spielberg read my mind and out popped “Jurassic Park” for summer movie madness in 1993. The entire movie is full of fabulous moments, but seeing the CGI dinosaurs for the first time was not only breathtaking, but witnessing a new turn in movie history.

King Kong vs. the T-Rex Trio

Critics loved Peter Jackson’s remake of the classic 1933 film, but audiences, possibly intimated by a long runtime, stayed away. Sadly, if you haven’t seen this movie, then you are missing one of the most intense, richly choreographed, photorealistic monster battles of all-time. Kong laying the smack down to three angry tyrannosaurs never gets old and I’m always amazed at the amount of thought and detail poured into that crisp, deft bit of filmmaking.

Franks and Beans

Some people ask, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” I like to ask, “Where were you when Ben Stiller got his nether regions zipped in ‘There’s Something About Mary’?” This 1998 comedy paved the way for today’s shocking, over-the-top, what-will-they-think-of-next brand of comedy.

Bigger Boat

We’ve seen his fin poking out of the water and we’ve seen the carnage inflicted from his prowling of the Amity shoreline, but it isn’t until nearly the end of the film when we actually see the menacing, razor edged grin and black eyes of the shark in “Jaws.” Roy Scheider’s terror is palpable as he backs into the cabin and tells Quint, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

April 15, 1912

Maybe it’s not manly to say I really enjoy James Cameron’s “Titanic,” or that I like to take bubble baths while listening to Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On,” but despite some intense cheesiness, I think the movie definitely deserved its best picture Academy Award. Strangely, we all know how the movie ends, yet I still sit on the edge of my seat as the ship sinks into the icy Atlantic Ocean.

Movies about Gladiators

Before “There’s Something About Mary,” comedy’s biggest shock came in “Airplane” and from a normally stoic, serious Peter Graves asking a young male visitor to the flight deck if he’d “ever been in a cockpit before,” “been inside a Turkish prison,” “liked movies about gladiators,” or, the biggest shocker, if he’d “ever seen a grown man naked.” Couple that with Lloyd Bridges sniffing glue and the classic, “I am serious and don’t call me Shirley” and you’ve got a classic comedy that still stands the test of time.

D-Day

The opening sequence of Steven Spielberg’s “Saving Private Ryan” is the most intense, quiet and surreal time I’ve ever witnessed at a theater. As soon as the opening salvo of German gunfire hailed down upon the U.S. infantry storming the beaches at Normandy, every voice silenced and stayed silent for the duration of the movie. People even set their Goobers and popcorn down out of respect for the sanctity and tragedy of what they were watching. One of the most powerful films ever made bar none.

Ride of the Rohirrim

There are many memorable scenes in Peter Jackson’s “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, but none more moving than King Théoden and his army coming to Gondor and, facing certain death, riding into to save the race of men from Sauron’s hordes of orcs, trolls and other nasty creatures. It is a combination of CGI, music and story that makes the “Ride of the Rohirrim” extremely stirring and triumphant.