Andy Morgan’s Screening Room

I had plenty of caffeine before the screening of the absurdly long “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End,” the third, and presumably finale, film in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy. But despite a Diet Coke and a Diet Rockstar, I was yawning for the first 45 minutes. That’s because Pirates the Third is a minefield of boring, been-there-done-that cinema. I was hoping this would be the film to break the shackles of this summer’s sequel doldrums, but I was sadly mistaken.

Last summer, when we left Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swan (Keira Knightley) in “Dead Man’s Chest,” Will was pouting because Miss Swan kissed Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), and Elizabeth was frumpy because she sacrificed Captain Jack to the belching “beasty” Kraken. In the final scene, Tia Dalma (Naomie Harris), after revealing a back-from-the-dead Captain “I Need Proactiv Skin Solution” Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), tells the group of mourners that Sparrow can be rescued from the “ends of the Earth.”

“At World’s End” picks up with Barbossa, Dalma, Turner and Swan leading the rest of Jack’s band of third-rate pirates into Singapore to steal maps and secure a ship from one of nine pirate lords, Captain Sao Feng (Chow Yun-Fat), a scar-faced, cranky, Fu Manchu-wearing bad boy. Barbossa tells Sao Feng the group’s plans to find Captain Jack, but also of a gathering of pirate lords at Shipwreck Cove. It seems the East India Trading Company’s head honcho, the evil Lord Cutler Beckett (Tom Hollander), with Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) and the Flying Dutchman under his command and control, has declared war on the pirates. The meeting at the hidden cove is to align forces and plan a way to defeat Lord Beckett.

As with the past two films, the plot spins in several different directions, especially after the group travels to the ends of the Earth to rescue Captain Jack from Davy Jones’ Locker. Truthfully, I think a lot of time is wasted in the getting to and arriving at Davy Jones’ Locker. Still, the group picks up Jack, and with his injection into the film, the story picks up speed and the laughs become more frequent. We discover each character’s agendas and they all come crashing together in the film’s frantic finale. I’d say more, but truthfully, to say more would be to divulge too many spoilers.

Despite the ho-hum feeling, “At World’s End” has some bright spots. Depp’s portrayal of Captain Jack gives the film its foundation, although at times it seems like overkill. The movie’s special effects are nothing short of stellar and the folks at Industrial Light and Magic have once again created lifelike CGI characters and environments. That Johnny Depp was nominated for a Golden Globe last year for “Dead Man’s Chest”, but Bill Nighy was not is a true injustice. Davy Jones might be CGI, but Nighy gives him spunk. Sadly, there is not enough Davy Jones in “At World’s End.”

In the end, the movie simply is flat. There is nothing new, nothing hugely spectacular or overwhelming to cause me to dip into my wallet again and again. Ironically, the action and humor that pepper the first two films seem missing. “At World’s End” tries to be too dramatic and serious. I thought it was boring, but I’d bet the nearly three-hour runtime will put your kids to sleep. In fact, like the other two films, you probably should keep kids younger than eight or nine at home. Watching Davy Jones stick his tentacles down a man’s throat and up his nose is not something young kids need to see, let alone the stabbing and other violence throughout the movie.

Should you pay full price to catch the third “Pirates of the Caribbean” film? Absolutely not. Wait for the discount ticket. “At World’s End” is like the entertaining houseguest whose visit, while fun for a few days, has now grown old. They simply can’t say goodbye and keep repeating the same tired jokes, music and action to rekindle the joy of times past. Sadly, by the time the door shuts and the hint of another visit (i.e. Pirates of the Caribbean 4) is placed on the table, you’re changing the locks and contemplating a move.

I am so tempted to open this review by calling this film “Shrek the Turd,” but that would be too easy. There are plenty of items to pooh-pooh in “Shrek the Third,” but I’m adamant when I say I’m truly torn. On one hand, there was much I enjoyed in Shrek’s third trip to the big screen, but on the other, this is another clichéd, poorly constructed sequel seemingly more intent on pilfering the wallets of unsuspecting parents than actually entertaining with fresh comedy.

All the familiar characters from the previous “Shrek” films are back for the third installment and the movie is essentially baked from the same mold as its predecessors. Sadly, this prefabrication actually adds fatigue to the story, as I found myself saying, “Oh, here comes the part where Shrek feels bad he’s being a jerk and they play a sad song,” and “Here comes a peppy tune as we are reminded – again – how much Shrek and Fiona are in love.” That’s not a huge problem, except for the fact that Shrek and Fiona are boring. It’s the new and fringe characters that bring life to the franchise.

“Shrek the Third” opens with Prince Charming (Rupert Everett), his Fairy Godmother mommy long since gone, doing dinner theater for hostile, heckling residents of Far, Far Away – patrons who would rather see Shrek than Charming. Feeling cheated, Charming riles up the baddies at the Poison Apple pub and vows to make Shrek pay for ruining his “happily ever after.”

Shift to Shrek (Mike Myers) and Fiona (Cameron Diaz) who are subbing for the King (John Cleese) and Queen (Julie Andrews) of Far, Far Away. It’s not something Shrek enjoys, but since his father-in-law is dying, it’s the least he can do. When the King finally croaks (no pun intended), his last wish is for Shrek to take over the throne, but also tells him the only other heir is a boy named Arthur (Justin Timberlake). Shrek, not wanting the mantle of king, joins Donkey (Eddie Murphy) and Puss (Antonio Banderas) on another “whirlwind adventure” to locate this long, lost relative and future king.

With the focus away from the been-there-done-that of the first two Shrek movies, the second half of the movie picks up comedic speed and the comedic tennis match between Donkey, Puss and Shrek takes the forefront. This is especially true when Shrek, as he is departing by ship to find Arthur, discovers Fiona is pregnant. Receiving advice from Donkey and Puss, the scene and accompanying dream sequence is one of the most humorous portions of the sequel.

After a short journey, the trio finds Arthur at Worcestershire High School, where “Artie” is the school nerd, picked on by the “jousting team” and loathed by all the girls who like to say “eweth” when they are disgusted. Arthur is excited to be the new king, especially about the castle and all the “princesses,” but he quickly changes his mind when he discovers he wasn’t the first choice. Throw in some fighting with Shrek, a visit with a deranged, no-pants-wearing Merlin (Eric Idle) and it all leads to an inevitable showdown with Charming, who has taken over Far, Far Away since Shrek’s departure.

I like “Shrek the Third,” but I don’t love it. I probably won’t see it again and I probably won’t pay full price to add the DVD to my “Shrek” trilogy. The first half of the movie is slow and old, but the second half is funny and driven by all the supplemental characters such as Donkey, Puss, Pinocchio, the Gingerbread Man, Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty.

30 years ago this month, on May 25th to be precise, George Lucas, sporting the trademark pompadour hairstyle and the lumberjack flannel look, introduced the world to “Star Wars.” Flash forward 30 years to 2007 and after boatloads of cash, more flannel and some crappy “Star Wars” prequels, Uncle George is still making the cash cow go “moo,” this time for the 30th anniversary “celebration.”

In a few weeks, plan on seeing many a news clip about nerds dressed up as Jedi, Stormtroopers and Wookies. Since I’m a “Star Wars” fan (read: not nerd), I penned what the movies have taught me throughout the majority of my 32 years.

Chicks Dig Scoundrels

If only I knew in high school what I now know at age 32. I would have had more dates and smooches than Casanova. The key, my male compatriots, is being the “bad boy.” Nice guys do finish last because girls love jerks. Just ask my wife.

The Prettiest Girls are Always Nutjobs

Argue all you want, but Princess Leia was not dealing with a full deck. I mean, first off, styling your hair so it appears you have cinnamon rolls strapped to the side of your head? If that doesn’t warrant psychoanalysis, I don’t know what does.

Never Kiss your Sister

This one is self-explanatory. Somewhere there is a deleted scene where Yoda tells Luke that Leia is his sister and Luke instantly runs off to take a shower and gargle a gallon of Listerine.

Size Matters Not

Size matters not? What was Yoda smoking? From big biceps, to big trucks to big entertainment systems, every guy knows size does matter. It’s easy to see Yoda had a complex because his lightsaber was too small.

Fat People are Not Always Jolly

Santa Claus is definitely the exception to this rule. And maybe Dom DeLuise. But Jabba the Hutt in “Return of the Jedi” taught me that being overweight can make you moody and unhappy. Thanks to the South Beach Diet and hundreds of miles on the treadmill, that’s changed.

Whining Only Gets You Legless and Charred to a Crisp

Nobody likes a whiner or a Debbie Downer. Anakin was both and he lost his arms, legs and was barbecued on the banks of a lava river at the end of “Revenge of the Sith.” Anytime my kids nag, I show them this clip and then say, “That could be you. Now shut up.”

Beards are Cool

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, that coneheaded Jedi in the prequels, the list of cool bearded guys in the “Star Wars” universe is endless. In fact, not only are beards cool, but so are moustaches. Just look at Lando Calrissian. The magic on his upper lip is a beacon of masculinity and suaveness all men should look to obtain. Hands down, facial hair is awesome. But not on women.

Never Tell a Woman She’s Softer than Sand

Just ask Anakin Skywalker in “Attack of the Clones,” nothing kills a romantic moment more than uttering some cheesy “I want some action” pick up line like, “Your skin is softer than sand, m’lady.” Oh barf.

Blood is Thicker than Midiclorians

Sure, Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand and had his daughter’s planet blown to smithereens and her boyfriend frozen in carbonite, but in the end, parents, and family in general, always step to the plate for the ones they love. Darth Vader took one for team Skywalker and his kids when he drop kicked the senile Emperor Palpatine down the bowels of the Death Star.

Always Bet on Black

Oh, whoops, that’s “Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Passenger 57.”

Spider-Man 3 (May 4)

Early reviews are mixed for the webslinger’s third go-round and people are wondering how in the name of J. Jonah Jameson director Sam Rami is stuffing three unique villains into one movie. That’s right, “Spider-Man 3” sports evildoing from Venom (Topher Grace), Sandman (Thomas Haden Church) and a snowboarding Harry Osborne (James Franco) doing his best to imitate his father’s evil twin, the Green Goblin (officially called the “New Goblin”).

Bottom Line: Too many villains? Who cares! Its summer movie season and this is what it’s all about. “Spider-Man 3” is definitely a full-price, run-right-out-and-see-it kind of flick. Just be careful about taking the kiddies too soon. It’s PG-13 because Venom will make them sleep in your bedroom until they turn 18.

28 Weeks Later (May 11)

Make no mistake, Hollywood knows how to milk a good thing and this is exactly what “28 Weeks Later” is going to be – an attempt to squeeze more cash from “28 Days Later,” the creepy, surprise hit from 2002. The first movie introduced viewers to the “rage” virus and followed a band of survivors as they journey through a decimated London cityscape. The sequel picks up seven months after the last human infected with the virus dies of starvation. But come on, do I really need to explain what comes next? This is Hollywood and the inevitable is always bound to happen. But these days inevitable makes ching-ching sound of millions.

Bottom Line: Go see “Spider-Man 3” again and pass on this until the DVD hits the Redbox.

Georgia Rule (May 11)

Jane Fonda (“Monster in Law”) stars alongside Felicity Huffman (“Transamerica”) and Lindsay Lohan (“Just my Luck”) in a tale about a rebellious teenager sent to live with her strict, no-nonsense grandmother. Perhaps this is art imitating life, but the out-of-control party girl Lohan probably felt right at home in her role as the wicked teen. According to the film’s synopsis, director Garry Marshall (“Pretty Woman”) set the grandmother’s home in Idaho in a “quiet Mormon community.” That ought to get LDS folks good and riled up, as they’ll probably be portrayed as overzealous nutjobs.

Bottom Line: The trailer looks funny, but rated R “heartfelt” comedies don’t do well. Don’t be surprised if Larry the Cable Guy’s “Delta Farce” boots this film to the curb.

Shrek the Third (May 18)

Despite pulling down boatloads of cash in 2004, folks generally panned “Shrek 2” and I’m hearing groans from the sidelines about “Shrek 3” as well. Maybe this reveals too much about how I enjoy jokes about bodily functions and the adult humor laced and imbedded in the first two films, but I’m genuinely excited to see this movie. I think Puss in Boots (“Antonio Banderas) was a great addition to the Eddie Murphy (Donkey), Mike Myers (Shrek) and Cameron Diaz (Princess Fiona) trifecta. This time around we add Justin Timberlake (“Alpha Dog”), Cheri Oteri (“Saturday Night Live”), Regis Philbin (“The Regis & Kelly Show”), Amy Poehler (“Saturday Night Live”), Amy Sedaris (“Strangers with Candy”) and Seth Rogan (“The 40 Year Old Virgin”).

Bottom Line: This is a full priced ticket, but again, just because the movie is PG doesn’t mean three year old kids should be partaking. Dreamworks must feel it has another ace in the hole with “Shrek the Third,” because “Shrek 4” has already been greenlit.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (May 25)

Captain Jack returns from the World’s End to assist Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth Swan (Keira Knightly), and Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) in ending the devious and ruthless designs of Lord Cutler Beckett’s (Tom Hollander) East India Trading Company. This means plenty of screentime for Old Tentacle Face, Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) and a final sea battle that will give this movie the box office crown this summer.

Bottom Line: Buy your tickets early, as “Pirates” will be sold out for a long, long time. Oh, and pitch a tent at the Westates, because we all know how crowd control and lines work at that joint.

Knocked Up (June 1)

“Grey’s Anatomy” hottie, Katherine Heigl and “The 40 Year Old Virgin” alumnus, Seth Rogan, hook up (literally) in this – judging by the trailer – hilarious movie about life after impregnating a one-night stand. Written and directed by Judd Apatow (“The 40 Year Old Virgin”), this movie will be buoyed by the deadpan humor of Rogan, the fresh writing of Apatow and the new comedic faces he seems to plug into his films.

Bottom Line: Considering this film includes Paul Rudd (“Anchorman” and “The 40 Year Old Virgin”), who, I might add is a comedic genius, I’d put this as a must-see movie.

Hostel: Part II (June 8th)

If gross-out, flatulence and sex-filled comedies were all the rage in the late 90s and early 2000s, then bloody, torture-stuffed “horror” movies are the big deal right now. This second installment of the “Hostel” franchise will assuredly be bloodier and more repugnant than its predecessor. It leaves the mind to question how that’s possible, since I’m pretty sure mutilating a live human being while they are gagging on their own vomit is the ceiling for repugnancy.

Bottom Line: This isn’t filmmaking. Its sadomasochistic voyeurism disguised as entertainment. Check yourself into Bear River Mental Health if you have plans on watching this.

Ocean’s 13 (June 8th)

“Ocean’s 11” was a decent movie and “Ocean’s 12” patted itself on the back too much with it’s inside jokes, so it pooped out royally as sequels go. That’s probably why we’re seeing Al Pacino join the eclectic cast (George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Bernie Mac, Don Cheadle, Casey Affleck, etc) of “Ocean’s 13”, because if this is going to be the last movie, it better be good. This time the crew teams up to get revenge on a cutthroat casino owner (Pacino).

Bottom Line: Let’s cross our fingers “Ocean’s 13” beats “Hostel: Part II’ at the box office, but I doubt it. Nutjob, serial killer cinema will win out on the weekend of June 8th.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (June 15)

How could a movie with such a cool looking trailer have the lamest title in the history of movies? Okay, that might be overstating it a bit, but come on, “Rise of the Silver Surfer.” I don’t even know what a Silver Surfer is and if I have to immerse myself in comic book land to find out, well, I just don’t have the time or energy. From what I can tell, Stretchy Man (Ioan Gruffudd) and Invisible Hotness (Jessica Alba) team with their pals Fire Boy (Chris Evans) and Rock Man (Michael Chiklis) team to fight the T-1000 from “Terminator 2” and the enemy from the first lame movie, Victor Von Whatshisname – the guy wearing the Quiet Riot hockey mask.

Bottom Line: Maybe this is the weekend you go camping instead of spending an afternoon or evening in an air-conditioned theater.

Evan Almighty (June 22)

Remember the character Evan Baxter from the 2003 comedy “Bruce Almighty?” Probably not, since that movie was lathered in Jim Carrey’s flamboyant “look-at-me” brand of humor. But “Bruce Almighty” was one of America’s first glimpses into the comedic genius of Steve Carell (TV’s “The Office,” “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” “Little Miss Sunshine”). In this “sequel,” Carell returns as Evan Baxter and teams with God (Morgan Freeman) to build an ark and warn the world of the soon-to-be flood.

Bottom Line: We’ve been saturated with Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell and Jack Black lately, to the point their humor is waning. Is the same about to happen with Steve Carell?

Live Free or Die Hard (June 27)

Rocky Balboa came back to theaters last year and John Rambo will be returning soon, so why not invite our old pal John McClane (Bruce Willis) back to the table? Len Wiseman (“Underworld” and “Underworld: Evolution”) directs the fourth installment of the “Die Hard” series and, in my opinion is one lucky fella. Not only will he certainly exceed expectations (because “Die Hard: With a Vengeance” was total crap), but he’s married to Kate Beckinsale (“Click”), who might be one of the hottest females alive.

Bottom Line: Explosions, minimal CGI and Willis saying “Yippikiyay Mother Flecther” is definitely worth the full price ticket.

Ratatouille (June 29)

Has Pixar ever made a bad movie? From “Toy Story” to “The Incredibles” to “Cars,” everything they touch turns into sweaty piles of cash for Disney. I’d expect the same from this story, about two wannabe chefs – one a human, the other a rat – that team together to take Paris by storm. Plus, director Brad Bird has two amazing features in “The Iron Giant” and “The Incredibles” under his belt, so I’d be hard pressed to see this movie nose-diving.

Bottom Line: No big-name voice talent could spell trouble, but, then again, it’s not like Craig T. Nelson and Holly Hunter sent people into frenzy with “The Incredibles.”

Transformers (July 4)

Say what you want about director Michael Bay’s stories, but the guy knows how to create big, bombastic, action-filled movies that look absolutely gorgeous. From “Bad Boys” to “The Rock” to “Pearl Harbor” and even the maligned “The Island,” Bay’s movies are slick and fun and adding Optimus Prime and Megatron into the line-up makes me giddy with joy. Honestly, I am geeking out over this movie. This movie stars Shia LaBeouf (“Disturbia”) and Josh Duhamel (TV’s “Las Vegas”).

Bottom Line: I want to believe the Transformers will beat out Pirates for the summer’s best film, but I just don’t know if the robots in disguise have enough staying power. Still, this is definitely a must-see movie.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (July 13)

Well, the Hogwart’s gang is back again for the fifth film, this time to further discover why Lord Voldermort has no nose and no hair. Based on the trailer, Hogwart’s has turned into a juvenile detention center, Harry’s getting some make-out action and Lord No-Nose is assembling an army of baddies to reap havoc on the world. Or maybe just London. Who knows, but fans of the books will go gaga over this film, while the rest of us will ponder the next best time for another screening of “Transformers.”

Bottom Line: If you already purchased your copy of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” then this is your big ticket movie of the summer. If not, take your time, chances are it will be at the discount theater sooner than you can say Gryffindor. Oh, snap!

Hairspray (July 20)

“Hairspray’s” got a fan following to the point where it became a well-reviewed, cult hit movie, spawned a successful Broadway musical, which is now being made into a feature film based on the feature film of 20 years earlier. What’s funny about all that is most folks don’t realize it was written and directed by the arch-nemesis of taste and decency - John Waters.

If you didn’t follow that, don’t worry - what matters is the fact you’ll get to see John Travolta dolled up in drag and a fat suit as chubby Nikki Blonsky shows 1962 Baltimore that fat is phat when she wins a spot on a TV dance show. “Hairspray” is chock full of stars, including the return of Missing-in-Action Michelle Pfeiffer, the ever kooky Christopher Walken, teen queen Amanda Bynes and Queen Latifa.

Bottom Line: This is the weekend to see “Harry Potter” or a third viewing of “Transformers.” This movie will be the summer stinker, trust me.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (July 20)

Adam Sandler (“Click”) and Kevin James (“Hitch”) star as two straight firefighters who pretend to be a happily married gay couple so they can collect their pension. Personally, I’m fatigued of Sandler’s shtick, but his teaming with James peaks my interest. Add in the lovely Jessica Biel (“The Illusionist”) and this is certain to be one of the top movies of the summer.

Bottom Line: Have you seen the trailer for this movie? Including Jessica Biel in her underpants probably earned this film millions more for opening weekend. I know it earned my computer new desktop wallpaper.

The Simpsons Movie (July 27)

If you don’t get enough Simpson with a steady diet of weekly shenanigans and ever-present syndicated reruns, hopefully you can fill up on a big beefy Simpson Movie Sandwich, which has been just 2 years shy of 20 years in the making. “The Simpsons Movie” continues the evolution from the Bart Show to the Homer showcase, as the Simpson patriarch is forced to save the world from a disaster he unwittingly created. Plot details have been kept tight, but there’s no doubt you’ll get burping, donut scarfing and plenty of sociological humor. The lovers will love and the rest will hate.

Bottom Line: Is the TV show really that popular to bring huge success to the film version, or is this a niche movie waiting to return niche dollars?

The Bourne Ultimatum (August 3)

Agent Bourne is back and he’s angry. After the demise of his lady-friend in “The Bourne Supremacy” and being tracked across the globe by the ultra secret government agency that created him, Jason Bourne is bringing the fight back to Joan Allen, with a little one on one with Julia Stiles thrown in to boot.

The first two films were fantastic (forgive the hand-held camera and watch “The Bourne Supremacy” again on the small screen) and, thanks to the return of “United 93” and “Bourne Supremacy” director Paul Greengrass, it’s looking like more of the same. The trailer is chock-full of tantalizing action spots and dramatic beats and if you’ve seen Bourne slap people around using his obscure form of martial arts, I don’t even need to hint at encouraging anyone to see the third outing.

Bottom Line: Probably the last big name movie of the summer and probably will be one of many whimpers coming out of a weak August movie month.