Dennis Hinkamp 2020

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Tuesday was National Cow Appreciation Day. Someone actually put thought and work into getting this designation. What does it mean anyway? Is it a day we appreciate their taste, their milk, mooing or all that? I guess having days like this gives mundane days in between the big holidays some meaning.

If you are feeling a little dogged in the dog days of summer, why not make up your own day. One that comes to mind that needs a redo is “Talk Like a Pirate Day.” It is kind of cute, but there are so many other directions you can go with the English language. Just start with a couple simple sentences and start abstracting.

Talk Like a Normal Person Day: “It’s such a wonderful summer evening. Let’s have barbecue chicken legs, baked beans, coleslaw and iced tea for dinner.”

Talk Like a Pirate Day: Aaaarrr maties why not we be havin’ them peg legs of chicken, boiled beans, cabbage and grog of tea for our evening feast. Anybody who disagrees will be walkin’ the plank.

Talk Like a Scientist Day: It’s just my amygdala speaking, but it seems like a relatively pleasant evening based on seasonal averages for temperature and humidity. Let’s have some lower appendages of non-indigenous foul, highly heated legumes, macerated brassicas and desiccated leaves boiled and subsequently chilled to plus or minus 2 degrees from degrees Celsius. (ref. vol 2 pages 12-17 Journal of Verified Banality).

Talk Like a 70s Surfer Day: Dudes! You know what would be gnarly? … some totally incinerated chick sticks, beans more baked than my head right now, some cabbage carved like a smooth wave and some tea more chilled than my old man falling asleep watching TV. It’s going to cost some righteous bucks, but I’m down with it.

Talk Like Stoner Day: (see Talk Like a 70s Surfer)

Talk Like a Twitter Feed Day: OMG! #Summer We R having #BBQ #Drumsticks @fire #slaw #beans #icetea retweet if you like this, follow me @DinnerGenius #LivingMyBestLife #YOLO #FOMO

Talk Like a Politician Day: This by far the best summer ever. Previous summers were mismanaged and riddled with loopholes. Our family is now going to have the best dinner since the invention of dinners. (applause break) I bring you chicken! I bring you coleslaw! I bring you the best baked beans grown and baked in North America. A vote for this dinner is a vote for more of the same or something completely different.

Talk Like a Poet Day: As the Summer sun demurs to the horizon, we ponder dinner again. The chicken becomes legless, succumbing to our hunger, I guess. The beans will give us gas, alas. The cabbage sits serene awaiting our guillotine. We’ll drown our guilt in tea, we will call guilt-tea.

Talk Like the Most-Annoying-Current-Words Day: Hey besties, it’s summer, right? Let’s unpack this menu thingy and do a deep dive into the NY Times menu planner and take it to the next level. No biggie, at the end of the day, it literally is what it is. Everyone likes drumsticks, right? Of course! I know, right? And you want coleslaw, right? Perfect! Baked beans are trending, right? And iced tea is top of mind too, right? You all agree? Perfect.

Talk Like a Tortured Artist Day: The summer evenings always remind me of lost loves, lost letters and lost skin cells swilling down the drain as a wash my hands. They are all gone forever. Dinner provides a brief respite from the monotony of the daily dirge that is the soundtrack of my life. I simultaneously mourn for the amputee chicken and savor the crispy crackling of its juices as they drip, then sizzle on the coals. The salad is crisp yet somehow listless in the sweltering heat. The beans in their molten sauce simmer like the nerve endings of my growing despair. Iced tea is a brief cold comfort that only briefly lifts my spirits.

Talk Like Scooby Doo Day: Ret’s reet rit all right roh Raggy. Ruh Roh, it’s rall gone…he, he, he, he.

Dennis Hinkamp would like to remind you that you can make any day, your day.

Please be aware that Cache Valley Publishing does not endorse, and is not responsible for alleged employment offers in the comments.

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