You can thank me later but I am definitely not going to write about national politics this week or for many subsequent weeks. The easy joke would be that the jokes are too easy.
Most of the comedy shows I used to watch or at least let stack up on my DVR hard drive are filled with the same bunch of political riffs every night. Pain plus time equals comedy, but the time interval is shrinking. Comedy really isn’t funny when it is a pie in your face five times a day every day.
I read that isn’t a good time for double negatives.
I’m not going to write about the orange Spin bikes leaving Logan before the honeymoon was even half over. I’m not going to say for sure, but there is a great degree of probability that it was defeated by gravity. Our downtown really is down and most of the resident and student populations live up. When you are only renting a bike, what goes down does not necessarily have to come up; especially since we have a free bus system.
I’m not going to write about the waste of single use plastic straws other than to say that nobody looks sexy drinking from a straw. I have never seen George Clooney or Chuck Norris drink from a straw. As long as I’m not writing about plastic I’m just going to not add that plastic coffee pods are an abomination to the environment, local coffee roasters and rational coffee drinkers; but I won’t tell you to stop using them. We can still be friends; just not on Facebook.
I’m not going to write about how horrible flying is now and that against all logic airlines are willingly making it more miserable. While all the statistics show that people are getting bigger, they keep making seats smaller. These truths are pretty self-evident and their bottom line is not considering the average bottom. I agree people should lose weight, but turning airliners into an aluminum sausage casing filled with spicy humans isn’t going to work. I will also not add that local restaurants bragging about their huge portion sizes isn’t helping.
I’m definitely not going to fall into that “but it’s a dry heat” camp. Even though the National Weather Service went whacky July 14 and posted that it was 194 degrees with 1 percent humidity at the Logan-Cache Airport. I won’t make jokes about global warming or the inefficiency of federal agencies. I will say that our pineapple and banana crop is coming along nicely and the pet camel is thriving.
I’m definitely going to not add anything to our national news stories about feeding puppies to snapping turtles or diesel-testosterone standoffs in Blacksmith Fork Canyon. These are the kind of stories that put you on the map in a bad way. I prefer to describe Cache Valley as the place 30 miles from where Napoleon Dynamite was filmed. I nominate uncle Rico for mayor the next time the election comes around.
Lastly and most importantly, I am going to stop writing about how much we miss our beloved doggie Luba who transcended earth to those Elysian dog heaven fields of sausages just seven months, 18 days and five hours ago. I’m going to start not writing about our new rescue dog Milo. We sprung him from the Deseret Industry of dogs. He came gently used and refurbished from the Cache Humane Society. I won’t add that he is 10 years old and surrendered by some family which no longer thought they had time for him. I will not judge.
I won’t exaggerate, but Milo is the second greatest dog in the history of history. He is the rescue dog who rescued us.
Dennis Hinkamp can be found not writing about other stuff on Twitter as well @DennisHinkamp