Dennis Hinkamp

Dennis Hinkamp

Traditions are painful to part with. I’ve waved bye-bye to a few myself because it just felt like it was time to euthanize them in a dignified way. I fondly recall the Guardia Run and the Blues and Comedy Revival, two events I helped found some years ago in Logan, but they now live in a warm dusty place in my cranial closet. That’s not a bad place to put things until you need to brag or reminisce. The stories only get better and the numbers get larger through the pickling fermentation of time. If you are interested, they might not even show up on Google search, but they are part of Logan lore.

This is a good weekend to consider that just maybe the Cruise-In and Freedom Fire have lived meaningful lives and need to be let go in a merciful way. If I want to see an intentional traffic jam, all I have to do is go shopping midday on any Saturday. I can enhance my experience by planning my route to only include left hand turns. If I want to see the wizened remnants of a once epic rock band, I can always go to the Utah State Fair. If I wanted to see fireworks, I could actually go someplace on the evening of July 4. “What date is the Fourth of July celebrated” is not a dumb question here.

As a veteran of organizing and ending events, I have some suggestions directed at whomever is in charge of these sort of things. I was going to say Make Logan Great Again, but the acronym doesn’t work well for a hat or bumper sticker. Here’s my list in no particular order:

Loud and Proud Parade: If we really want to go for maximum non-automotive decibels, let’s have a lawn-equipment-only parade. No mufflers allowed; be as loud as you like. Just think of a couple miles of gas-powered lawn mowers, gas-powered trimmers, gas-powered leaf blowers and a roaring chorus of chain saws. Of course the city would have to hand out protective eyewear and earplugs. Since it would be so magnificently loud, the only communication during that time would have to be through texting, which would be next to normal for many families. Everyone wins!

The Cruiser Bike-In: As sort of an anti-Cruise-In we could have a cruiser bicycle only parade; no spandex, no disk wheels, no aero bars, no helmets; just people in all cotton comfortable clothes weaving aimlessly from curb to curb. The riders could hand out gluten free bagels from their hand-sewn hemp grocery bags. The parade would start, you know, five-ish and end when people lost interest or whatever. We could totally do this, or not.

The Booze-In: Just think of the economic boon and police citation windfall it would be to have an all-religions alcohol absolution day. During this 24 hours everyone of legal age could drink as much as they want without fear of going to hell, but still be accountable to local and state laws. I expect there would be a huge bus caravan up the I-15 from Provo.

The Snooze-In: Maybe we could just take a break from the whole deafening, smoky freedom-to-start-fires fest. Imagine the boon to tourism it would be to declare Wellsville to Richmond a quiet fireworks-free destination. It would cost close to $0 and draw people from hundreds of miles away to have a restful Fourth of July celebration. It would be especially comforting to those with dogs. And, really, dogs are the best people.

Dennis Hinkamp is serious about half of this, but he’s not going to tell you which half.

Dennis Hinkamp is a longtime Cache Valley resident.

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